To Love Nothing
by mer solitare
Summary: You can love evrything... but can you love nothing? Short, angsty tale about Lily and Severus. PG for a bad word.


Disclaimer: The song, "Running From Me" is by Trustcompany. It's not mine. Severus and Lily belong to JKR. Sadly I'm not getting any money out of this. ::sob:: 

__

Say a prayer for me

Cause I can barely breathe

I'm suffering & I can't take it

Because of me

No one will ever see

This side of me

If I don't make it

It's like I can't wake up

It's like I can't get up

It's like I can't remember who I used to be

Am I running from you

Or am I running from me

Clear a path for me

Cause I can barely see

I'm stumbling & I can't shake it

It's up to me

To save myself from me

My enemy

But I can't face it

I'm breaking now

I'm breaking now

I'm breaking out

Here I come

Can't… Wake… Up cause I'm no one

Vaguely he realizes he is soaking wet and bleeding. Perhaps, he thinks, I'll just bleed to death, solve all my problems… Slowly he raises a pale hand and wipes the water- or is it tears?- off his face. The dark night cloaks him, making him feel oddly comforted. He stumbles into the grass next to the small gray stone cottage and slumps to the ground. There he curls into a tight ball of misery, waiting.

__

Lily… Help me.

She shivers, making her crimson hair ripple. It's raining as if the very heavens are heartbroken. And with good reason, she thinks. She sighs and walks up the path to her home.

That is when she hears her name.

__

Lily… Help me.

She whips around, instantly alert. Pulling out her wand she walks into the grass of her front yard and nearly trips over a bloodied pile of robes. A pale hand reaches out and grabs her ankle, halting her. 

"Hello. Nice time for a chat, isn't it?" Then he laughs, sounding almost deranged. Silently Lily cries as she recognizes his voice.

"Oh Severus." Then she starts to weep as she stares at the broken man in front of her. Bending down, she grabs him by the shoulders and drags him to the bench underneath the weeping willow a few feet away.

There she sets him down. Gently she wipes the blood from his face with her shirtsleeve. He looks at her, black eyes filled with misery and self-loathing. She sits down next to him and rests her cheek on his shoulder, sniffling every so often. He smiles forlornly and begins to speak.

"We're puppets. All of us. He uses us then cuts our strings. I don't want to be a puppet. I want to be _me. _ But I can't do it. I can't. I can't remember who I am. I tried, Lily, I tried. It's like I'm in a nightmare. I know it's only a dream but I can't wake up, no matter how hard I try. Do you know how that feels? 

You wouldn't… Gryffindors feel no pain, do no wrong. They're too pure. Only the evil suffer. _Me. _I suffer because I am nothing. Nothing can hurt because it doesn't exist. But, Lily, _nothing_ hurts the most."

"Severus," She begs him, trying to comfort him, "everything suffers. I suffer, too. You're not nothing. You're _you_. The sarcastic, stubborn Slytherin I feel in love with at the age of twelve. _I love you_. You can't just love nothing. You have to love something."

Severus sighs. "Lily, that is where you're wrong. You can't love me. You just can't. Please, Lily. Please. _Don't love me_." He turns to face her, a wordless plea in his eyes.

She looks at him, suddenly angry. Her emerald eyes darken as she stares at him. "I'm sorry if my feelings happen to complicate things for you. Really, I guess I'll just shut down the way you did and become a robot. Then everyone can be one big, fucking, happy family. We can all just run from our problems together. Make it into a race."

Again Severus laughs, this time almost normally. "I'd win."

Lily nods, and looks at him. "That's what is so sad. All you're doing is running from yourself." 

Severus closes his eyes and leans back against the tree. "I know," he mutters, "But I can't stop."

Lily starts to cry again and wraps her arms around him, burying her head in his chest. He lets her cry, silently wishing that just for once he could let go and cry with her.

But he can't remember how to… 

A.N. This is a bit twisted, I know. I always thought that Lily loved Severus and he loved her but he couldn't show it. He's too scared of what will happen if he lets go and loves her. That's why he's so bitter. BTW all the songs on The Lonely Position Of Nuetral remind me of Lily and Severus for some reason. Anyway, please review.

Adios!


End file.
